I woke up chained to my bed. Aside from the headache and the blood I was fine. I've done worse with women and enjoyed it. Everything was as it was before, but there was more. It's like experiencing several different realities juxtaposed upon one another, it can only be experienced to be known. The matter in the room was... there, but not. Empty space filled with the idea of matter. Through everything there was this perfect flow of everything else, but each object as I would concieve as an individual concept manifested this differently. Each its own part of everything else...
Then there were the streams of meaning. Even now it seems funny to me to convey these things in such a simple and limiting fashion, but it feels as well necessary. To an open mind there is no bit of knowledge that is unaccessable, to a fully open mind there is no bit of information that you are able to not access. However, you can choose what to pay attention to. All manifestations of creation are present to you, all times, places, things, concepts, mysteries, everything. Moreover, all possibilities thereof. Alph Naught. True infinity. Singularity... IT. Yet I still grow, and I still learn. Even if it's just a sequential happenstance.
So how am I still I? How do these chains still bind? Do they? And with that thought, there are no chains. Before, this would have scared me, amused me and altered my mindstate dramatically. Now, it is just known. When the question is answered, completely, you realize that there never really was a question. You ARE the answer, you ARE the question. Most of consciousness pangs: "Why do I exist?" The answer is simple, Because you do. No explanation or insight will change any part of that but your perception.
I am standing in a million rooms. A million different selves in each one. A million different outcomes for each self. A million different paths for each outcome. A million different observers for each path and a million selves for each observer, writing myself a note for only this one to find.
Yet it all moves at once. Perfectly. And yet my view is still centralized around an idea of self, even if it's nothing resemblant of any ego or animal. It would strike me that someone who pried into this place without being ready would not be able to maintain it. ANY ego resistance, and something falls out of sequence, you collapse. But at the same time it strikes me that this is part of all minds anyway. And that all anyone could do to resist it is close their eyes...
BUT I am still here. My physical body is STILL the carriage for my self. I still break my chains, even as I experience it infinity other ways. I still know that I am rising from my bed, even though the closest thing to human in the way I am percieving my body is third-person. I still feel the DNA in my body shifting and the matter of my body following suit, even as I walk to the door. I see the energy around my body heightening and the doorknob warping under it as I grab it.
When I opened the door there was just light. Even in the state of awareness I had achieved, when looking at everything at once, nothing can be discerned, just the light of will.
When I stepped through the door there was nothing. This was not the nothing of infinity, this was the nothing of zero. The equation had temporarily balanced. At the final point of my passing through the door I plus all equaled nothing. No time, No thought. Forever.
This can be said never to have happened. For all intents and purposes, to any outside observer, nothing did happen. No physical change was affected, No minds were altered, Nobody knew. And how could they? No expression of space or time can ever percieve anything timeless and nonexistent in their function through any means but their own minds and paths. None could be shown, only given a direction to look in.
My universe was entirely seperate.
But yet I still "returned."
Not a synapse in my brain had fired between the time I had fed the cat and the moment I returned from... whatever that was. Nothing was remembered that moment, it just felt like everything had shifted one micron in a direction that wasnt three dimensional.
The man with the cat gave me a wry smile as the cat ate the food happily and walked away chuckling.
Throughout the rest of the day something gradually started building up right in the center of my brain. miasmas of barely perceptible yet stunningly radiant colors swirling in and out of one another. I've used enough psychedelics as a kid that I don't even really think about shit like that anymore, but this was different.
I went to bed, somehow, that night unworried.
When I woke up I was worried.
Realize that at this point in the *physical* story I do not remember my dreams, I do not remember my experiences with one, zero and infinity. I have no idea about myself or my story, just a fierce burning within that, and I do not realize it yet, is the power that causes everything from here on out.
What worried me was that I was glowing. Physically. The whole room was blindingly lit. I thought the police were going to pop by any minute to see why an apartment building had suddenly started acting like a lighthouse. I could barely see in front of me. I hid under a pile of blankets in the closet for a few hours trying to think of what to do. Nobody showed up. Nothing happened.
I got brave after a day or two of hiding and freaking out. I slowly became accustomed to the light to where I could see where I was going and discern objects. I also slowly began to realize that not only was I the source of the light, but I could feel it moving through me. Barely, but I could.
It also didn't help that my body was shifting. Literally, my bone structure expanding, my skin getting denser, my muscles lighter, faster and stronger.
I got brave because I opened the window. My light shone as far as I could see. Illuminated every corner of every building and alley, in every window, the clouds and the sky. But there were eyes looking. Hundreds. I've never seen anything like it. Once I noticed the eyes I noticed that everything had an aura of sorts. All colors in everything with some predominant, and only several things, most of them not people or organisms, that were any one or two colors solely.
Most of the eyes knew there was something going on, but could not discern what. Some of the rest saw the light, or felt it, but weren't focusing on the source.
Five of them looked right at me. One of those, the big, shiny one, appeared in the room next to me. The rest of the five then faded from sight as I closed the shades and turned to meet my guest.
"Do not be alarmed. I am a friend. We have been looking for you, but moreover waiting."
"Who are you? Moreover, What?"
"I am called Samael. Or Sam. What I am is not what you are. You are what I cannot be."